Last night I went to a wedding and realized what my number one new year resolution needed to be.
Some inner emotions of my own caught me off guard last night when I saw people from an experience that happened several months ago. I thought that I was over it, or most of it. I love my new job, I make really good money, and I clearly remember how unhappy I was at my old job. Yet when people that were connected to that old job didn't appear "friendly enough" to me, I began wondering things again, like what might the office still be saying about me? Of course my drinking last night certainly had something to do with my interpretation of things. Suddenly all of those old feelings came welling up inside, and I found myself again at that tormenting place where I questioned every move I made while I was there and why it wasn't good enough.
I woke up early this morning with those same questions in my mind. My thoughts were on God and how I needed Him to bring me out of this, for good, so that I didn't have to keep coming back to something that obviously He wants me to get something out of, but what I was currently getting out of it obviously wasn't what He wanted for me. Just as I was getting out of bed I turned the t.v. on, knowing Charles Stanley would be just coming on, I knew in my heart that Charles Stanley had a message that God wanted me hear which applied to this very situation.
I was not surprised at all to hear how he described God knowing all along what He has planned for our future, and how He puts us places for a specific purpose. Hearing Charles Stanley talk about one experience early in his career and how often people "in charge" were out to defeat him and accuse him of all sorts of things which were untrue really comforted me in knowing that these sorts of things happen to people when they don't deserve it. I guess that's always been the big question for me after everything happened--did I do something to deserve the treatment? I think throughout the whole thing I obeyed God better than I ever had in the past, although I was not and will never be perfect, of course some mistakes were made from time to time, but overall I think I did very well considering I didn't play in to the shallow games that my accusers played. One of the things I was accused of by the #1 culprit of it all was that I was competing with her. The good point, though, is that even though I was being accused of such a thing, I never spoke negatively about her behind her back the way she did me, so she kind of contradicted herself all along the way. I think the most amazing part of it all was how God showed me early on what was going on--and He carefully guided me in the right direction. Although it was probably one of the most difficult experiences overall, I consider it a compliment that God trusted me with information and provided me with it, trusting that I was capable to handle it the right way. Probably the most difficult part wasn't going through it, but now being at the end of it and wondering why it happened. That's a question only God knows and I'm sure one day He will show me why.
So now, after writing all this, I'm asking myself again, "Why think such silly things like last night?" I know what happened when I was there and how petty and catty the people there were and how I rose above all of that. That itself is enough to conclude that I have only gained from the experience, not lost anything.
So that brings me to my new year resolution, which is to continue to read my Bible everyday, to strive to be closer to God to obey Him even more, because I still need to improve a great deal in that area. I know that I still ignore God when He clearly speaks to me now even more than ever. Like last night when He explicitly told me not to bring up the ordeal and I did anyway, and to the person who probably has already done a lot of damage to begin with. Why do I do that to myself? It was a time for celebrating Jody and Rochelle's wedding, and I selfishly thought of my own needs first. And in doing so didn't help anyone, even myself. I guess those are the consequences of being disobedient.
I woke up early this morning with those same questions in my mind. My thoughts were on God and how I needed Him to bring me out of this, for good, so that I didn't have to keep coming back to something that obviously He wants me to get something out of, but what I was currently getting out of it obviously wasn't what He wanted for me. Just as I was getting out of bed I turned the t.v. on, knowing Charles Stanley would be just coming on, I knew in my heart that Charles Stanley had a message that God wanted me hear which applied to this very situation.
I was not surprised at all to hear how he described God knowing all along what He has planned for our future, and how He puts us places for a specific purpose. Hearing Charles Stanley talk about one experience early in his career and how often people "in charge" were out to defeat him and accuse him of all sorts of things which were untrue really comforted me in knowing that these sorts of things happen to people when they don't deserve it. I guess that's always been the big question for me after everything happened--did I do something to deserve the treatment? I think throughout the whole thing I obeyed God better than I ever had in the past, although I was not and will never be perfect, of course some mistakes were made from time to time, but overall I think I did very well considering I didn't play in to the shallow games that my accusers played. One of the things I was accused of by the #1 culprit of it all was that I was competing with her. The good point, though, is that even though I was being accused of such a thing, I never spoke negatively about her behind her back the way she did me, so she kind of contradicted herself all along the way. I think the most amazing part of it all was how God showed me early on what was going on--and He carefully guided me in the right direction. Although it was probably one of the most difficult experiences overall, I consider it a compliment that God trusted me with information and provided me with it, trusting that I was capable to handle it the right way. Probably the most difficult part wasn't going through it, but now being at the end of it and wondering why it happened. That's a question only God knows and I'm sure one day He will show me why.
So now, after writing all this, I'm asking myself again, "Why think such silly things like last night?" I know what happened when I was there and how petty and catty the people there were and how I rose above all of that. That itself is enough to conclude that I have only gained from the experience, not lost anything.
So that brings me to my new year resolution, which is to continue to read my Bible everyday, to strive to be closer to God to obey Him even more, because I still need to improve a great deal in that area. I know that I still ignore God when He clearly speaks to me now even more than ever. Like last night when He explicitly told me not to bring up the ordeal and I did anyway, and to the person who probably has already done a lot of damage to begin with. Why do I do that to myself? It was a time for celebrating Jody and Rochelle's wedding, and I selfishly thought of my own needs first. And in doing so didn't help anyone, even myself. I guess those are the consequences of being disobedient.
No comments:
Post a Comment