PREGNANT!

Well, we found a couple of weeks ago that we're PREGNANT!

I should not have been surprised by the news ... we were a little "careless" the past month, even though I really wasn't enthusiastic about getting pregnant until AFTER my trip to New York during Thanksgiving.

I was hoping my nausea would hold off until after the trip, however, my nausea has kicked in full force and just about full time. This happened a lot earlier than when I was pregnant for Ainsley (if I am remembering correctly). The nausea is stronger and I had pregnancy symptoms right away. My breasts immediately became sore and they get even more sore, which is difficult to imagine. Sore breasts were definitely not something I dealt with during my pregnancy with Ainsley.

I went to my first doctor's appointment a few days ago. I had to pick a new doctor (insurance reasons), but fortunately, I think I like him more than my old one. My ultrasound is scheduled for this Monday.

For some reason I keep thinking it might be twins. I do not know why I keep thinking this. I know before I became pregnant, when I was anticipating my pregnancy, twins kept popping up in my mind. I don't think I want twins. But I will find out for sure on Monday.

I am supposed to be spending the day working on my sociology research paper, but it is 2:15 and I still haven't started writing it yet. The first half of the day I felt so bad all I could do was lay down. I managed to eat all of what I had of some pepper jelly and whole wheat thins, and also some chicken noodle soup. I plan on going to the Farmer's Market tomorrow to get more jelly. This may be the only thing I can stomach for the next few weeks.

Personal Victimization + Government Handouts = Oppression

You know, I am just about sick of the hypocrisy. I'm flipping through the radio and stop at a "black" station to listen in on what's going on in "their" world. It's all about "them"--black this, black that. The host of the show is discussing a website devoted to "black" people, "black" guest speakers regularly visit the show and discuss "black" health and social topics, there is always some tidbit about "black history" thrown in at some part of the day. Black, black, black. Yet, if there was such a station for "white" everything, it would not be on air. Every station that I listen to--other than the black--there is a good mix of every race thrown in there--from music, to guest speakers, to hosts, to public information--you name it. Yet black people want to call the world racist. When I read a woman's (black woman) bumper sticker on her car--"ERACISM"--I thought to myself, racism is never going to be erased if it is continually perpetuated. And that bumper sticker was perpetuation.

Black people want to be part of this world, yet want to remain separate as an individual unity apart from other races of the world, most importantly, white. It's okay for them to create the separation--but as soon as they read (usually mistakenly) some sort of separation as a race between other races, here comes the NAACP. Ironically, it doesn't matter to the NAACP that it's "own race" is killing each other off socially.

And this brings me to the reason for writing this. Has anyone ever overcame the obstacles in life by being the victim? I can't think of any to date. Truly successful people have always thrown their "wrongdoings by others" out the window and proceeded to break through the chains of "unfairness" done to them in the past. It's as if these "successors" had amnesia when it came to past negativity in life. They marched forward to great accomplishments and personal achievement. Personal setbacks were non-existent. Have excuses ever paved the way to progress?

The Government thinks by padding "the victims" in this world with a handout, they are fixing all the problems of the past. The hard truth is the Universe was designed for a particular success in mind. The kind of success that was created when a person went out and yearned for it--searched for it--all on their own, with no tugging or pushing from other people. It doesn't matter how much or how little you know when that first yearning for success is birthed. The important thing is the "yearning"; the "how to" will develop on its own when the "self" and only the "self" has to figure out how to achieve what it yearns for. Any interference by a second party will stand in the way of moving forward.

That's the way God wrote it in his law, and the only way truly successful people will see success. The Government can't alter it to suit our--really, their--needs. Even if they force people to "pay it back" through volunteerism or community work. This "revised" program will only create more intense entitlement by "victims" who are confused and misinformed. We, the people, and the Government, can juggle power all we want, but the ultimate power belongs to God, and nothing can be changed about that.

Luke 15:11

I received a letter in the mail last Monday, from a friend of my old boss. She stated that God had been heavily putting things on her heart regarding his anger for our country. She sent a letter to Congress, and forwarded copies to everyone in her address book, which included me. The letter detailed prophetic predictions straight from the Bible, and included details on an upcoming attack in mid-May of this year. As I read the words on the page, I began to cry and God told me I must make copies of the letter and mail to everyone in my address book. Then I began to pray for our children's protection and the protection of those in this World who are helpless and lost without fault. At the end of the letter, Kim, the author, urged congress to ask God to reveal the truth to them with regards to her letter. "Pray, open your Bible, and pray .... it doesn't matter where you turn in the Bible--you don't have to go to a specific place ... He speaks to you no matter where you are in the Bible ..."

While in the shower that night, a feeling of unworthiness swept over me. I thought the past few years that I was sure I was getting in to Heaven--but what about all the things I had done, and how far I still had left to go as a Christian? Now I was not so sure I was going to Heaven, and I may be in the biggest trouble when the Lord does come back. I began comparing myself to other "better" Christians I knew--and I felt so unworthy for any just cause the Father may have for me when he comes back.

When I got out of the shower I opened my Bible to wear I left off in my daily (supposed to be daily, but are not always daily) readings. It was Luke 15:11 "Jesus Tells the Parable of the Lost Son" where Jesus explained the story of the Father and two sons. The younger son had asked the father to give him his share of the estate. After receiving it, the son took off to a distant country and squandered his money and ended up starving and poor. He returned home begging his father to take him in as he had nothing left, upon which the Father threw a big celebration honoring his return. The older son, very disappointed, questioned the father, after he responded so positively to the son's obvious poor decisions. The older son stayed and "never disobeyed his orders." The father responded with, "My son, you are always with me, and everything I have is yours. But we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found."

Kim was right when she said God will tell you what He has to say no matter what part of the Bible you are reading. After feelings of such unworthiness, God was assuring me that no matter where I came from or what I did, I was no longer lost and dead as I had once been. And that was all that mattered.

Un-Motivated

I just can't shake this feeling of un-motivation. I have so much work to do for school, yet I keep piddling around on the internet and other places instead of doing my VERY IMPORTANT homework! What is wrong with me lately?

I think most of my time is spent daydreaming (and praying to God!) about August, when I quit my job and start going to school full time. I'm hoping to be finished in a year. We're going to start trying to have another baby in January. If it were up to Tim, I'd be pregnant now! But, I really want to have this baby all to myself, and not dependent on someone to watch him or her while I am either at school or at work. Most importantly I'm praying that this is what God wants for me, to stay home a few years, or as long as I want, to be a mom and a wife. I pray that he allows me to, that we really are financially able for this, as it appears now that we are.

Ainsley is growing up so fast! She'll be five in August--five months away! She is as beautiful and cute as ever! She is a good blend of both Timothy and I, from her looks to her personality!

Well, now that I've gotten this out of my system, maybe I can get my homework done while Ainsley is still (THANKFULLY) sleeping!

Planning Associates

Even though I have not worked there in four years, I often reflect the almost five years I spent working for Planning Associates of Louisiana/Mass Mutual in New Orleans. I have worked a few places since, and still am unable to compare the connections that I made with people at my first long-time job, which took up my early twenties. I often reflect on the people that I knew there, and how there is this family-like connection still lingering, still missing them. None of them are there now--perhaps that is the reason old feelings linger, as if to haunt me from a life that was almost secret to the one I have now.

I stay in touch with a few of the women, who are the majority of what I consider "family" from there. We don't talk much--everyone is so busy. Debbie, my old boss, just had her second baby. Lynn, probably my most cherished (almost a tie with Isabel), I look forward to seeing soon at her daughter's wedding. And Isabel, whom I became closest with after Debbie and Lynn's departure, I miss so much and almost wish we were still working together in the "huddle room." I sometimes wish we were all still working there. When I think of that place, it reminds me of the titanic; a bustling entity of life and productivity almost shut out from the rest of the world .... now sunk to the bottom of an almost endless ocean, empty, dead, with only echoes of what used to be. I visualize what the place looks like now ... all new people .... all new personalities. I'm tempted to visit there, just to see reality.